I was walking the other day, thinking about my daughter with whom I had just had a pleasant
phone call. I am so proud of her, I love her loving heart, her pragmatic approach to life, the
generosity she holds for her family, house and home; welcoming to others and being informal so
that all can feel comfortable in her presence. She also doesn’t need me one bit.
That is not surprising as she is a woman in her early forties. She has a husband, three kids, a
career and a community. She has made a good life for herself and her family. And she doesn’t
need me one bit.
She has lyme disease and experiences knee pain on occasion. She eats well to minimize as
much impact as she can. Even during home remodel she kept a good attitude; which for me is
impossible when I am in pain. She gets tired and takes rests (most of the time) when she needs
to. Ok, she can get a bit snippy when she is tired and hungry; she is after all mortal. She doesn’t
need me one bit.
So to the phone call. She has issues with her job which she handles without advice or input.
Each of her kids has age appropriate challenges that she addresses (well) without my help.
Even problems with her friends are reported to me after they have been resolved, without
sharing any uncertainty or questioning that she might have gone through. She doesn’t need me
one bit.
I realized, when I was walking, that she is a lot like I am. Yes, all the good stuff, too. And I don’t
reach for help, I don’t share when I am going through something- only when it is over. The heart
pain, the physical challenges are managed internally with appropriate resources, but without
sharing with those nearest and dearest. It is almost as if I “don’t need them one bit.” Although I
do.
I don’t know my daughter very well- I know her competencies, but not her pain. I know how
things turn out, but not her process. There is a layer that is hidden behind her “can do” attitude.
Her capability is a carapice over her tender self. That self I never get to see.
Mine is hidden as well. It isn’t as if I don’t feel uncertain, or lost, or sad for no reason. I do. I feel
uncertain and lost and sad for actual reasons as well. And I deny my friends the opportunity to
sit with me as I process the moments. Because THAT IS help. It is the help I have given to
many friends, that let’s me IN to their hearts. It let’s me in to what life dealt them that they are
now struggling with and to which they ultimately find solutions. I am needed.
I am not sure why I cannot let others in. I have been working on it for a while. Hopefully I am
better at it now. But I realized from that awareness after the call with my daughter that there is a
gift to others for receiving help. The healthy help of listening, being a companion on this bumpy
road of life. There is the gift of getting to know that person in a very real way. It is a gift of
yourself to another. I want to be generous in that way
7 Comments
Letting others in is difficult for those of us who have had to deal with malicious gossip and friends and family who are curious for information in a selfish way, not in a way that is truly intended to help. I doubt many of us would be willing to admit that sometimes we are only wanting information about another’s process to make ourselves feel better about our own problems, but sadly I think many of us do have those moments, myself included. I limit myself to help from safe groups that have very solid boundaries and where I am absolutely certain that I am being heard and the intent is truly to help and not fodder for someone else’s codependency or addiction. I think too much of this is going on in recovery circles. Help should only be given when wanted, and no one should be pressured to open up when they don’t want to. There’s a reason people are not opening up, and it’s because they don’t feel safe. My own husband will not open up to me at this point, and I will not pressure him because I know I have created an unsafe environment with my addiction and codependency. We all need to remember the reasons why and respect each other’s individual process. It is ours alone to take. No one else’s.
Karen, thank you for your thoughtful comment. I agree totally with the sense of safety, of trust and (from my own experience) getting more skillful in my “chooser”; I needed both to refine with whom I chose to share and the situation and the intention. That is all work a column on its own.
The issue of sharing about others is also well taken. Gossip and information leakage are toxic. Again- the wisdom of wise resources is important.
WOW! SNAP!!
Letting people in is a skill I am working on too…..I’m not very good at it though 🙁 Your article helps me realize that I DO need help a lot of the time but I don’t like or want to ask for it because;
a) I don’t want to reveal too much of my ‘inner’ feelings and thoughts, and
b) I don’t think I’m worth much
Like you, I get my worth by doing worthwhile things for OTHERS, but hardly ever for myself.
Kyczy. Thank you for opening me up more an, I too, hope to keep working on this ‘defect.’ Keep doing what you’re doing to inspire others….you’re worth it!
Greg
Greg, thank you for the response AND for the affirmation. I will hold it as true for this minute. ANd maybe the one after. Be well!
It good to have company while working on this “defect” (or defense.) It is a difficult one and when I finally recognized how I felt when denied “access” to another’s heart I realized that, perhaps, someone might want access to mine!
Be well
Wow, exactly what I needed to read at exactly the right time; I love when that happens. I left the rooms in the area that I live exactly because of the pressures and false intentions that Karen spoke of. If I didn’t go to a meeting everyday and attend every social event then “I wasn’t working a solid program” If I participated in every thing I was “told” I HAD to do then I felt I was just changing one addiction for another and recovery wasn’t helping me be any more available to my children than alcohol and drugs were.
I am still sober (8 yrs last month) yet I am very much alone in my struggles; something I know I’m doing to myself. I too put on a false front and only share my thoughts and feelings AFTER the situation is over, I don’t want to be a burden after all. However, my children are getting older and I’m not fooling anyone. So instead of me being human and expressing my pain to them, they are left to worry and be afraid. My fear of vulnerability is truly selfish on my part. Kyczy, thank you for expressing it the way you did as my eldest daughter too “doesn’t need me” or anyone else for that matter. A “survival technique gone array (I hate the term defect)” that she undoubtedly learned from watching me. Thank You for your words! Love, Light, and Happiness
Jade, Love, light, and happiness to you as well. We see what we can when we can, we do what we can when we are able. Just yesterday I had a challenge that troubled me deeply and I was wrestling with it alone. Finally, at 7 pm I called for help and in less than an hour, the issue was addressed and just by having shared, the problem didn’t feel so insurmountable. I didn’t feel so alone. But I did have to open up (to the right person) in order to gain wisdom and relief.