Listening To Your Children – By Jackie Stein

Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what.  If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff. — Catherine M. Wallace —

Listening is a skill to be learned and mastered.  It should be active rather than passive. Very few people are effective listeners without a great deal of practice. This is so very important when we are dealing with all of our family members, but especially when dealing with our children.

There are many things to keep in mind when listening to our kids, including their ages and level of cognition. A two year old will try to communicate, but may be using words that are completely unintelligible and perhaps even gibberish. The same holds true for the average adolescent. And yet, in both cases, it is imperative for a good relationship that both the toddler and the teen feel that they are being heard. The following are some tips to keep in mind when conversing with your child, regardless of his or her age or developmental level.

First and foremost, make time to listen when your child wants to talk. I know….we all have so many balls we are juggling and we all have appointments and lists of activities that need to be completed on a daily basis. Listen to hear the level of intensity. If the discussion does not appear to be an emergency and if you REALLY have some place you need to be or something you need to do right this minute, tell your child that you realize this is important to them and you want to give them your undivided attention, but you are being pulled from focusing by this other thing you need to do.

ASK them if you can set aside a specific time later to hear what they have to say. Set the time and make sure you are available at that time. If your child no longer wants to talk, do not get angry with them. Just reiterate that you are available now if they still want to share with you. On the other hand, if your child insists that they need to be heard right this minute, then turn off the oven or re-schedule your meeting and listen to what your child needs to communicate, no matter how inane you might think it is. Remember that it is important to your child and nothing is more important than giving your child the time and attention they need.

Listen to everything that your child tells you, whether it is happy or sad or angry. He or she needs to know that no matter what they have to say, you will listen and you will love them.  Be the child’s safe zone when they are young and there will be a better chance that they will share those issues that you perceive to be more monumental as they get older. Whenever possible, stand in their shoes. Try to remember when you were a child or a teenager and how important it was to you to be heard…and remember how it felt to be heard, as well as how it felt to be summarily dismissed as irrelevant, stupid or wrong. Work hard to avoid making your child feel that way.

DO NOT INTERRUPT!  I can’t say that strongly enough. Remember that small children don’t have the fullest vocabularies. It may take some time for them to be able to communicate. Avoid trying to finish their sentences or control the direction of the conversation. Be patient. With young adults and teenagers, keep in mind that what they want to communicate might be very difficult for them and they need the space to do it in whatever way works for them…not the way it works best for you. These can be very serious conversations…everything from their belief in a Higher Power to using drugs and alcohol to sexual activity to sexual identity. Give them space, let them talk and let them know that no matter what they say, you will still love them.

Active listening often involves repeating back what they have said to you. Reflecting allows you to verify that you understand what was said. It also allows your child to know that you are really listening. If you put down your phone or your book, keep eye contact and reflect what they are saying, they will know that you are actually listening to what they are saying.  It doesn’t matter how old your child is…think about how you feel if your partner or boss, responds to you by just saying “uh huh” without lifting their eyes from their newspaper or phone. That is how your child will feel as well, and if they don’t think that they are being heard, they will stop sharing.

It’s okay to be angry or upset by what your child tells you and it is okay to tell them that what they have done is unacceptable and that there will be consequences. But it can be done in an even tone of voice. Yelling, blaming and name calling will only cause the child to shut down and you lose the ability to have them communicate openly with you in the future. If there is a problem, let them know that you will do whatever you can to help them.  Collaborate — do not berate.

Don’t forget that listening is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice. However, if you actively listen to your child from an early age, you will know what is happening in your child’s life. You will be building a strong, long-lasting relationship, based on respect and honesty. And don’t forget that listening is cooperative. If you want your child to listen to you, you must be willing and able to listen to your child.