I came into recovery in 1988. I was miserable, broken, and lonely. I was pretty much friendless and hopeless. I felt like I was dropped onto this planet from another universe and didn’t belong there or here.
I was smoking a lot of pot, sniffing speed, and drinking until I passed out every night. I never fell asleep, back in the day, I just passed out. In the mornings I came to; never woke up. I had no idea it was the drugs and the booze that was causing me to disconnect from my family, friends and society. And of course, all the drugs I was consuming had nothing to do with why my life was so wretched. For someone who had been told she’s fairly intelligent (though I never believed it) I hadn’t had a cohesive thought in years – maybe decades. I was the last to find out what my problem truly was. I walked the thin tightrope between denial and stupidity.
When a friend told me she was going to Alcoholics Anonymous and felt at home there, it made an impression on me. What did “Felt at home there,” feel like? What did it mean to fit in? It wasn’t long before I attended my first meeting on July 15th 1988. It was there, at my very first meeting, I discovered a way out of my loneliness and also, in fact, I realized I was an alcoholic and a drug addict. I learned about true spirituality. Found and honed my own Higher Power until it fit me.
Now it’s 27 years later and I’ve not had a drink or a drug since the night of July 14th 1988. Jeeze! That’s over a quarter of a century! Has it been that long? Then all at once, one day at a time, people began referring to me as an “old-timer.” Me? An “old-timer?” Yuck! I couldn’t imagine that. I don’t exactly remember when that title began falling on my shoulders. It seemed like a dreadfully heavy responsibility. An “old-timer!” I hadn’t changed – or had I? I was still the same me – or was I? My character defects still popped up and caused me pain. But now I could feel them and do something about them. I certainly never had all the answers for anyone, including myself. I still trudge the road while learning and growing, certainly never reaching any destination.
I look around in the rooms of the programs and I wonder, where are all the other “old-timers?” The meetings I attend are filled with alcoholics and drug addicts, but why are there so few people with 20 years or more? Most of the people in meetings are much younger in sober time (and in age). What happened to the people I used to know? The other “old-timers-to-be” Did they stop going to meetings? Did they forget to give back what was so freely given to them? Have they started drinking? I realize I may never know. These people become the forgotten ones. The individuals I knew in meetings, sat beside, shared a cup of coffee and a laugh. Time, and the new people who fill their chairs have erased them from my memory.
It actually scares me when people call me an “old-timer.” And I feel excluded from the pack of new people. They travel in packs, from meeting to meeting like I used to do; finding a new sense of hope, surrounded and secured by a blanket of the warmth only found in recovery. There are no “packs” of people with time, nowadays, there is just a few of us. My friend Karen and I both celebrated our Anniversaries in July. She had 36 years and I my 27th. We talked about our upcoming celebration meeting. I told her I was a bit embarrassed by the years I had collected. She felt the same. Why would we both feel embarrassed that we were able to stay clean and sober all those years? That was certainly something to be proud of, wasn’t it?
I thought back to when I was new to recovery, struggling to understand this program. Desperately looking through the Big Book for the answers and trying to understand them. I thought someone with six months was an “old-timer!” I looked up to them and asked them if they truly had not had a drink in half a year? So then why do I keep my length of my time to myself?
Now people ask me the same questions I used to ask and I answer them with the same wisdom passed on to me. In fact, everything wise I say or do or think is something I have learned through recovery. I have learned much from meetings and AA approved literature and sometimes from spiritual text separate from AA altogether. I don’t always remember where I heard or learned the particular piece of wisdom and it’s not important. What is important is that I had remembered it and could try to apply it in my life and pass it on to someone who needed to hear it.
I had learned how to live my life a day at a time through the 12 steps and the 12 Traditions protected by my Higher Power. I don’t always succeed of course. Sometimes I don’t listen to my HP. But later on a quick 10th Step shows me my part in what I had done and why I felt the way I did. I imagine that’s the point of having time – actually working the program.
However, just so you know, I have never liked the word “newcomer,” it always sounded degrading. I prefer to say new in recovery. Nor have l liked being called an “old-timer.” I would prefer not being singled out with the word “old,” instead be thought of as someone with experience. I hope never to feel like I am not teachable and often times, the lesson comes from the mouth of someone new. Being new, their minds are searching for answers and often express their thoughts in an insightful question. Many times people, who have started on their path, bring with them a wealth of information and perceptions they learned before coming into recovery. There is also the energy that the promise of new life brings.
So, I’m still learning. I’m still growing. I’m still changing. I guess that is why I do not feel like an “old-timer” and hope I never will. I want to leave earth clean and sober, with the light of recovery in my eyes and questions still to be answered.
19 Comments
I love this!! Thanks for sharing.
As a fellow “old timer”, (they call us Dinosaurs in Florida) I have seen the same thing as you. I find that when I sponsor the young newcomers however, it keeps me fresh in the mix. Never did I think when I first came to recovery, that one day I’d have over 32 years clean! It wasn’t even a dream, because it never seemed possible. No matter what the ramifications are, given the choice between being a newcomer or an old timer…there is absolutely no question. I wear by gray proudly!
Dinosaurs! I love that. Thanks for responding. Gray is Good!
Thanks for a great article. Another fellow “old timer” here … I too remember that feeling of “coming home” when I came into the rooms. So grateful for the full life that recovery since age 26 has given me … and those older old timers who were there to walk with me and guide me as a new “pigeon” or “baby” as they called us then. While I am certain that I have another drink in me, I am not certain that I have another recovery.
Thank you for your reply…Me too…I don’t think I would get this gift again…
I LOVE the way you write and express yourself! VERY relatable for me!
It gave me a new insight on the ” old timers” outlook, and even the “newcomers”. It is a forever learning journey. I like looking at someone with your gift of years on this sober journey, as experienced! I like what you said about learning even from the one that come into the program new. My grand children teach me so much, in a mind that the world try’s to program at almost 50. Their innocent minds, not yet altered and clueless of the insight they give to the true wonder and still simplicity of life we forget, along the way, it is amazing and a true gift for me.
Great share Joanee! I am glad I read it :0)
Thank you Joanee..I was feeling a bit down tonight and was trying to figure this thing called LIFE. .I am going through several stressful things in my life right now and was pleading for an answer on what I am suppose to be learning from these struggles and sadness and hopeless feelings. Just reading your story has put me more at ease and less frustrated with LIFE. I feel hopeful again and know my He gives me only what I can handle. But I sure wish he would give me a quicker answer sometimes to what the lesson I am suppose to be learning through these hardships I am going through. .Thank you again…
Yes….I want the answers before I ask the question…ya know…sometimes that happens! 🙂 Let me know how it’s going.
Great share. I, too, felt at home in AA. It was amazing to me; I didn’t feel at home anywhere. I especially didn’t feel at home at my own home, or my parent’s home. No one “got me”. I didn’t even “get myself.” and then I went to AA, heard the other people talk about themselves and I related! I didn’t even have to explain myself.
I’ll have 30 years, God willing, next month if i keep doing what I did before. It’s been a wonderful journey. And I will keep coming back.
And the miracles keep coming!
Thanks for an amazing share! My Hope for the day has been renewed. Not sure what part of the country you guys are in, but here in the Midwest, we have packs of Oldtimers (sorry but they all have 30+ years) that roam together and urge us new chicks to join them. in their wandering. Although I’m still a newbie, I follow them at times, and try to do as they do. But I’m always so grateful to see them here and there and can depend on them being at certain meetings. They continually reassure me that this thing works if we work it!
Wow packs of ’em, eh? I travelled with a pack of people when we call were working on our first six months…that was a very powerful, power filled time
Joanne!!! At times during your writings I felt as if I could have written the same thing word for word. Grateful beyond words for what you wrote!!! All you had to do was ask. Knock and the door will be opened. Seek and you will find. I’m 19. By the Grace of God. Not by my doing that’s for sure. Had a temper tantrum this morning due to being forced to grow up. I am now the caretaker and my mother is giving me a reality check on what it must have been like to deal with me in my teenager through early 30’s of extreme drug use and alcoholism. My mother has early Alzheimers and had a knee replacement.She cannot make sound decisions. She is in a haze. I have a full toolbox of coping skills, and still, am in a state of deep heartbreak and feel helpless at times. overwhelmed.
You can often feel alone in a room full of newcomers. Newcomers do not often understand how it feels to be made fun of. or why we are often silent, and lend an ear but refrain from anything other than to truly encourage one hour at a time to pray, stay in meetings, stay in the book, keep reaching out and keep an attitude of gratitude. Thank you for your post!
Thank you for this comment. It was just what I needed today. 🙂
Brilliant piece of writing, full of insight and the spirit of youthful vibrancy and aliveness – as well as intelligence! – that I recognise to be you! xoxo
ty Joanee for sharing. In AA around Mangalore – anyone having over two digit years of sobriety is an oldtimer and more so if he is a senior citizen. Willy D. is one oldtimer I appreciate because of the ease at which newcomers could converse with him. He is 44 yrs sober, has been instrumental in starting 8 groups, 30 years ago in Mumbai. Still a regular at his home group.
I also felt like I was transcribing as you wrote. It never ceases to be comforting to know that you are NOT alone. I’ve been clean/sober for 23 years, and I am so grateful to come into a meeting and see other “Crusty Oldtimers” (that’s what we called’em, back when I came crawling in) there. It’s not easy, especially after moving halfway across the country, to walk into a room filled with people 20+ years younger than you, but as I think of it, getting clean in the beginning wasn’t easy, either. Thanks for an excellent post.
“Lonely in a room full of newcomers….” yes, I get it……People who have been around for a long time need to be embraced, loved, supported and nurtured like a plant as well….There is a culture where it’s OK to bash, criticize and judge people with time…I don’t remember having that viewpoint when I was new….I had great respect for people who came before me and still do…it’s an inherent and intuitive respect… they began the process before me and have more experience…..if I was going into a jungle without a map I would not put down the person who knew that jungle and who could guide me into that maze of wonder….Perhaps, there are some who I would rather enter the jungle with more than others….and that’s where the judgement begins….but, all still know it, have grown in it and have walked the path before me…Thank you Joannee for giving me permission to put words to my thoughts/feelings/perception as someone who has been here since Jan.20, 1990….I was just a kid then and in some ways I still am but now, I am a kid with more experience, eyes wide open and tools to live in a grown-up world…I am still growing up and suspect I will be until I take my last breath….I am not really sure where the boundary is for ending the new comer phase and beginning the old timer phase, I guess it is up to the viewer…I think I didn’t feel like a new comer when I entered my 11th year and felt like an old timer after having 20 years…..but, the definition of time really doesn’t matter…what matters for me is having respect and love for all no matter what phase a person is in…..and trust me! I have struggled with being judgemental too! I have had more experience in that area as well…LOL, but I am keenly aware of my defects to the point of where it is painful and thus try on a daily basis to be as spiritually centered as possible….Joannee, I will be a part of your “pack” a day at a time as long as you will have me! With much love and respect always, Diane
This is where I’m at I have been sober close to 39 years.11 years ago I started working second shift.A complete career change.The work and job was tough being 57 at the time.I get home and crash to recover At that time I didn’t get to alot of meetings.I became a worker alholic.This was in order for me to get so I could retire which I did July of 2021.Going back to meetings are very difficult not that it’s the meetings itself it’s that the people I got sober with have either died or moved away.So far I haven’t found anyone I hung out with.I have other friends say you can’t go back in the past you have moved on and you have no place their find other places and activities.But here is the problem with that most drink and I choose not to be around them.As for the meetings you talk to these people today they have a whole new concept of AA giv8ng me the feeling I don’t belong because I came from tough love soberity not this cuddling I hear about these days.Back then if I didn’t get the message that I got from the oldtimers I would have never stayed sober.I also noticed AA has gotten real clicky.Im glad I never got like that but the feelings I get now is do I have a place in today’s AA?
I coild have been an “old Timer” if I hadn’t gone in and out in the 30 years around AA.I was sent by the Courts originally for DWI (2). Sometimes I just could not stand the AA Crowd anymore anfd I had to go where Normal People were, in my opinion, at the Bars and Clubs.Some AA Meetings were Freak Shows like with the girl that had pink hair and a million piercings, the girl and guy with the most tattoos in the world, the Cowboys from the Old West, the young guy with the hair to the floor and the tie dyed tee shirt, the 400 pound girl they called “Tiny”, the Carnival Workers , the strippers from the nearby strip bar, Bikers in full leather with their patches on the black leather jackets, and I even saw siamese twins at a meeting once!
The Old Timers I knew there only fit in at the Club with other Old Timers and they were always there, they had no life outside the club and didn’t fit into mainstream society.A lot of them multiple divorces, unemployed, or job problems, sleeping on someone’s couch with no car. Some had money, but no friends outside of AA, or no life.
They say “If you want what we have and are ready to go to any lengths…” .Me ,I’ll Pass !!