Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
From step four onward, the twelve steps are primarily concerned with interpersonal relations—how you interact in and with the wider world. In a nutshell, you are asked to:
- Look back on your life and see where you have caused problems for yourself and others.
- Do what you can to repair the damage you have done.
- Live differently in the future.
Steps eight and nine are the middle portion of this procedure—doing what you can to repair the damage you have done. To start, you compile a list of the people you have harmed, not forgetting to include yourself on the list. Reviewing your step four inventory is generally helpful when compiling this list. Most of the names on your step four list should also appear on your step eight list, but a few might not, and new names will likely be added.
Next to the name of each person or entity on your list, you should also write the specifics of the harm you caused, how the aggrieved party reacted, and your current feelings about the situation—acknowledging emotions like guilt and shame plus any lingering anger or resentments you might have. Finally, you should list the nature of the amends you propose to make. Sometimes the amends you propose will be as simple as admitting what you did, saying “I’m sorry,” and not repeating the offense. Other slights could require financial remuneration or some other tangible recompense.
NOTE: A person on your list might be deceased, or they might be alive but in a situation where further interaction would cause additional damage. In such cases, the best possible amends may be vowing, privately, to live differently and then to actually do that.
One you have completed your amends list, you can work on the second half of step eight—your willingness to make the proposed amends. For many recovering addicts, this is tougher than compiling the list. And when you think about it, this is perfectly natural, as most of the people on your list have probably, at some point, behaved badly toward you. This makes it very easy to seize upon their wrongdoings as an excuse your own poor behavior. If you find yourself doing that, don’t beat yourself up about it. Just recognize your feelings and remind yourself that step eight is not about them, it’s about you. You’re working the twelve steps for your benefit, not theirs.
If you struggle to find the requisite willingness because you’re battling an old resentment, it is wise to discuss this with your sponsor, your therapist, and any spiritual advisors you have. A common twelve-step trick that one or more of your advisors might suggest is praying (as sincerely as possible) for the other person’s health and wellbeing every morning and night for two weeks. Most recovering addicts find that doing this greatly diminishes their lingering resentments.
Positive affirmations can also be helpful. A few general affirmations that might help are:
- I am willing to take responsibility for my actions, regardless of the actions of others.
- I am open to the lessons I can learn from making amends.
- I understand and accept that making amends is a necessary part of my recovery.
More specific affirmations can be even more useful, such as, “I am no longer angry with X, and I am willing to make amends to him/her for my behavior.” Usually, if you say this affirmation enough times, you’ll start to believe it.
While you’re working on step eight, you must understand that this is not the point at which you make your actual amends. That’s step nine, and step nine should not be embarked upon without first discussing your step eight list with your sponsor, therapist, and spiritual advisors—individuals who can advise you on the nature and likely effectiveness of your proposed amends, and your readiness to make those amends. It is important to understand that jumping the gun on step nine can cause serious problems—problems that often require even more amends. So be patient, make your list, and then discuss it before proceeding.
In future postings to this site, I will present suggestions for how to effectively work steps nine through twelve. For general information about healing from addiction, check out my website. For treatment referrals, click here, here, and here.
