Friends With Benefits – No Thanks! by Karina Shubaly

My journey with creating healthy sexual relationships started about 5 years ago. I found myself yet again, wailing to my brother in law, the tale of another infatuation gone awry. I refer to my brother in law as Saint Monica; the saint of Patience!  We talked about the idea of me writing a comedic and poignant book about surviving addictive relationships (past, present and future). I certainly had enough potential comedic material to fill that book and another, through the assorted pseudo relationships I had since leaving my husband.

Recently I found myself, once again, spinning faster than a whirling dervish or Tasmanian Devil. It was crazy. I found myself angry, sad and joyous all at the same time. When a friend hit an “ouchie” yesterday, the tears quietly and openly fell. There were shared moments of laughter with friends; the kind of laughter that hurts your belly and you can barely breathe. There were moments of blessed solitude and quiet times with friends who just listened. Some moments of perceived rejection showed up, which can stir up those old bugaboos of abandonment. Yet none of it is for naught. Through it all, there were valuable insights. When I left my husband eight years ago, I was given a Tiara by a dear friend who said. “There; next time you need to be treated like a Princess.”

I no longer settle for tidbits. I am comfortable with myself as a sexual being. Note: this does not mean sex. It is about who I am as a woman. I will not be a “second” or “third” for someone. There are no friends with benefits. I am still challenged in my understanding of this one. I have come to understand that sex is a by product of a loving and communicative relationship. It does not nor has ever been the glue that holds the relationship together. Today, I think of it as “some extra gravy” on the entire meal.  I have no problem confronting men on their BS in a kind, loving and straight manner. Maybe this doesn’t earn me brownie points with many men, but if it interferes with that guy with many years clean who is 13th stepping that newcomer, it is more than worth it.

I am a less frequent visitor to fantasy island these days and tend to be aware of reality more than before. As I walk this path, things have improved. I haven’t been involved with an “unavailable” member of the opposite sex for some time. I am finding that I am more content in my own skin. I don’t want to marry again, nor have anyone live with me. I love my freedom and it would have to be one incredible “dude” for me to give that up. I have some nice platonic male friends. Above all, there is no need to act or try to get what I want. If I place trust in my Higher Power, I will get what or whom I need. My Higher Power always has an amazing life for me. All I have to do is a little work and not (I repeat not) try to control outcomes. There is always “The God Box” .